Breaking The Spell Of Self Loathing

aristotle quote photo | Dianna Bonny Photography

I have shared a bit about the fact that I am creating a seminar program called Unraveling the Aftermath of Suicide, Healing the People Left Behind. In many ways, it is the culmination of all the work I have been doing over the last five years. Every moment of writing, inner exploration, singing, journaling, therapy, breathing, meditating, tapping and so on has led me here to the threshold of this creation.

Although, I did resist it for a very long time.

The resistance came from a variety of places. First and foremost, fear, of course, which has many levels and subsets. Fear of being seen, of claiming this experience in its entirety as my own, of being heard and being rejected for what I have to say.

Fear has had its say in more of my life choices than I care to admit.

But the resistance has also had a much mightier force than fear driving it along, and that is my own self-loathing. This belief about myself is the water I have swum in for the last few decades, and it doesn’t seem to want to let go, without a fight.

I think we all carry some form of this self-loathing. In a recent interview with Raphael Cushnir, he called it the “Virus of Unworthiness.” Brene Brown talks about it in her work as well. It might show up as undeserving or a sense of not belonging as well. These beliefs drive us to behave in ways we regret, self-sabotage our best efforts and live a life going in circles around the same issues. I can look back over most of my life and see how this belief has played out very clearly.

Things have thankfully begun to shift.

I believe it is the result of millions of tiny actions. Things like working on my book (yahoo, it is now with an editor) regularly contributing to my blog, and now organizing this healing seminar. Suddenly, everything feels different. I look back and see the trail of footprints that I have taken to get here and it seems unbelievable, but nonetheless amazing. Of course, I zig-zagged a bit here and there. Of course, I took three steps forward and then twenty back. But, I built momentum and kept moving forward.

Also, for the most part, I took off the unworthiness goggles and removed myself from the tank of self-loathing water. I did this over the last few years through my actions of consistently choosing what was best for me.

Despite our desire for quick and easy steps to get us out of our patterns and predicaments, shifts take willingness and time. It boils down to stripping everything away, until all that’s left is our essence. The unvarnished truth of who we really, truly are in this life.

It is simple, but not easy.

When I think of this, I always have a vision of that papier mache craft we did as kids. The one where you paste strip, after strip, after strip of paper over a balloon to form an object. I think we do this in a way as humans, pasting protective layers over our vulnerable parts. To get to our essence, we must reverse engineer the process.

One can painstakingly try to do this through talking in therapy, or we can go out and amaze ourselves by engaging in challenging, blow-your-socks-off endeavors that simply burn the layers right off, so the essence of our being can burst through.

Are you with me?

I love that you are here. It means we are in this together. I would love it if you shared the blow-your-socks-off endeavor that is allowing your essence to shine through.

May you be blessed and protected, always.


Who is Dianna Bonny?

Hi, my name is Dianna Bonny. It’s my mission to candidly share my journey with you. For me, it’s all about the healing: to create a radiant healing energy for others who have befallen a similar fate. Together, we can forge beautiful lives of belonging and connection. Thanks for joining me today! I look forward to hearing from you.

  2 comments for “Breaking The Spell Of Self Loathing

  1. April 27, 2015 at 8:10 am

    Like you, I am attempting to face challenges that keep trying to hold me back. Most of the voices are the naysayers within which mirror the negative voices I heard growing up. Still I did in my heels and say, “I’m still going to move forward.” I really enjoyed your post today.

  2. April 27, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    That is a beautifully written piece that carefully exposes your fears so that others can appreciate that we all face challenges and fear is naturally going to crop up. Thanks for having the courage to write this, especially over a delicate subject matter.
    Keep up the good work

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