The Transformative Power of Heartfelt, Active Listening

 

listening | Dianna Bonny Photography

When was the last time you felt truly heard? I mean attentively listened to in a way that allowed you to actually hear what you were saying and make sense of it on your own, a time when your words were spoken and witnessed, no need for solutions, just a willing ear openly receiving them.

I began to notice a lack of listening in the days and months after my husband died. At times it was barely noticeable, at others exceedingly obvious. I made people uncomfortable, I realized this, and they wanted to contain their discomfort by offering solutions and opinions as quickly as possible.

In other words, they didn’t listen.

All I wanted at the time was a kind ear: a way to let all that craziness that had taken up residence in my mind escape out into the wide open. Finding a receptive listener was a rare and precious moment.

When we listen with our whole being and simply receive the other person, there is an exchange of energy that allows the soul of the speaker to unfurl into the safe harbor of human connection. Tim Tosta calls this “Tranformative Listening” and speaks about it on his brilliant blog:

“To be attentive may appear passive, but it really isn’t. It is a type of engagement. It is an active stance. It requires making yourself available, free from judgments and beliefs. It requires empathy, which means you must overcome your self-centeredness, your personality, and your narrative. It demands that you exist, for the period of the listing engagement, for the benefit of the speaker.”

When my kids were little, our car rides to and from school were sacred time for me. On the way home, I allowed them to swear, which they loved, so they could express all their frustrations and emotions about the day. I would sit back and quietly listen to them rant and ramble about friends who annoyed them or teachers who embarrassed them. Every now and again, I would ask how something made them feel, but mostly I just sat back and listened. It never failed that the kids who got in the car at school were a kids transformed when they piled out of the car at home, almost as if energetically re-calibrated just by the act of being heard.

Listening conjures up powerful healing magic.

In the last year, I have been trying to make a practice of listening with my entire being, devoting myself to the person in front of me. I am discovering that listening in this way infuses an entirely different kind of energy into a conversation, a deep sense of presence. It is a simple gift that seems to anchor connection with the souls of those around me.

In that spirit, I found this poem, via Gail Larsen.

Listening

is a rare happening

among human beings.

You cannot listen to

the word another is speaking

if you are preoccupied with

your appearance or

with impressing the other

or if you are trying to decide

what you are going to say

when the other stops talking

or are debating about whether

what is being said is true

or relevant

or agreeable.

Such matters have their place

but only after listening to

the word as the word

is being uttered.

Listening is a primitive act of love in which

a person gives himself to

another’s word

making himself accessible

and vulnerable to that word.

–William Stringfellow

It is no small wonder that people quickly go crazy in solitary confinement. We earthly beings are meant to be seen, felt and heard.

The next time you are in a conversation, try listening to the other person with all of you. Don’t try to solve their problems — honor that they are fully capable of accomplishing this task. I would love to know what you discover.

-db

Who is Dianna Bonny?

Hi, my name is Dianna Bonny. It’s my mission to candidly share my journey with you. For me, it’s all about the healing: to create a radiant healing energy for others who have befallen a similar fate. Together, we can forge beautiful lives of belonging and connection. Thanks for joining me today! I look forward to hearing from you.

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