After an Affair: Healing After Betrayal


Over the last three and a half years I have tentatively tiptoed my way across the landscape of betrayal, and to be honest, the mental gymnastics require nothing less than raw courage. On days when I am feeling utterly naked and vulnerable, I attribute it to my husband being a selfish philanderer, but truthfully, just a few steps beyond that, lay deeper elements worth examining.

I learned of my husband’s infidelity via a mysterious phone call. The news shot through me like a fiery arrow, straight into the most fragile space of my being, a place I had avoided most of my life that held all the fears about my inadequacies. As the caller spelled out the uncomfortable truth about another woman, her words pierced my protective armor, releasing my shame like a hive of displaced, angry bees. Of course, I personalized it as a reflection of something being wrong with me.

With only a brief comment from my husband that the women had nothing to do with me, I am left to ponder things on my own, so I continuously try to step into the field that Rumi speaks of:

“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing there is a field. I’ll meet you there.”

I go here in order to avoid being forever stuck in the mental space that I was “cheated on,” because the entirety of what happened was so much bigger.  I want to hold this entire experience up to the light, like a snow globe, and see all of it through the goggles of truth and understanding, infusing it with transparency so it can’t hide in the shadows like a stalker lurking behind me for the rest of my life.

Sexual matters hold highly charged, conflicting energy in our culture. From a young age, innocent curiosity is often met with disapproval, discomfort and outright lies. Adrift in the confusing sea of natural desires and mixed messages, our formative subconscious interprets the perceptions, storing them for later reference.

I see now that my husband and I arrived at the altar of our marriage wrestling these long held and deeply buried forces. Operating like a stealth computer virus, they silently undermined our attempts to find an intimate connection. Ultimately, for him, it was easier to turn outward than in.

Although the sharp edges of betrayal ripped open my own deeply buried wounds, I am thankful they have been exposed so I can heal them, rather than remain imprisoned by them. I won’t pretend any of this is easy, but there is a freedom that comes with diving beneath the surface and excavating the rubbish.

In the wise words of Joseph Campbell, “The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek.”

Has betrayal touched your life? What measures have you taken to heal your sense of self?  I’d love to hear about it.


Who is Dianna Bonny:

Hi, my name is Dianna Bonny. It’s my mission to candidly share my journey with you. For me, it’s all about the healing: to create a radiant healing energy for others who have befallen a similar fate. Together, we can forge beautiful lives of belonging and connection. Thanks for joining me today! I look forward to hearing from you.

  2 comments for “After an Affair: Healing After Betrayal

  1. February 26, 2014 at 10:49 am

    My heart breaks for your pain, and my heart also applauds your courage to find peaceful resolution. You have given us a wonderful model how to move forward getting the Bigger Picture. Thanks for sharing your story for our inspiration.

    • Dianna Bonny
      February 28, 2014 at 4:45 pm

      Thanks Patty! I so appreciate your encouragement and am honored that you are a part of this journey. xo

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