On Blaming Others: The Insidious Nature of Blame

unhealed | Dianna Bonny Photography

There are a lot of pieces to my story that I have not shared yet. Some things are in the book, others I am still working through and processing. It continues to amaze me how long it takes to make sense of the emotions and pain that go along with suicide.

One aspect I have not spoken much about here is blame. I have chosen to remain mostly silent about the fact that certain members of my husband’s family have chosen to blame me for his death and continue to go to extraordinary measures to slander my name and hurt my family.

For the sake of my children, I remained silent, hoping that time would give them perspective and the ability to understand that there is more to the story than the parts they want to believe. I truly believed this would happen, but it has not, so I have decided to begin speaking of it openly now. This decision was sparked by an email I received the other day regarding an upcoming webinar with a mental health outreach group where I was invited to speak about my story and healing in the aftermath of suicide.

The email I received was to let me know they had received two “scathing” emails received from my husband’s family, and that one of them contained the suggestion if anyone supported my work, there might be some kind of legal action taken. Understandably, because of this, the group decided to rescind the offer of the webinar.

The family harassment has been happening on many different levels  for four years, but this is new. It is a brand of blame that is attacking my ability to do my work and make a living. It is is simply not acceptable.

I have been swept up by an awful trend that seems to be happening more and more in the world. One where unhealed pain has become an excuse and way of life. One where people live from the darkness of their wounds and seem to have a disturbing sense of entitlement in exacting their pain on others.

If you have been reading this blog for a while you will know that I have never played the victim card, nor do I use this as a bully pulpit or place to belittle people. It is not a tell-all reality blog. I could have done that quite easily, but it never seemed the appropriate or productive way to go. For me, this is a quiet space where I have shared my soul and my healing journey.

I started this blog with the simple intent to share the story of my journey and the truth. It is not a pretty story, but it contains a lot of lessons that I think are worth sharing, because it seems that an awful lot of people out there are suffering in the same way. I want to leave a better legacy for my children. It is really that simple.

Unfortunately, my work continues to be sabotaged by blame-throwers. Brene Brown brilliantly sums up blame in her book Daring Greatly:

“Blame is simply the discharging of pain and discomfort. We blame when we’re uncomfortable and experience pain—when we’re vulnerable, angry, hurt, in shame, grieving. There’s nothing productive about blame, and it often involves shaming someone or just being mean.”

Lessons are tucked into every crevice of this experience when I make myself available to seeing them. In this case, it has been a tremendous opportunity for my children to see how people can be turned inside out by their unhealed pain and unleash it in the most cruel way on others. The most beautiful thing is that I didn’t even have to point this out. They noticed it all on their own.

I would hate to think that anyone might believe some of the things they have said on the Internet about me, but I know that is a possibility. To remain silent might give the appearance I have something to hide, which I do not. If you ever have a question about me or my story, please feel free to email and ask.

I’m curious if you have ever had to deal with this kind of situation and how you handled it. I’d love to hear any ideas you might have to share on the emotional or legal end of things.

May you always be loved, connected and cherished, and divinely protected from the blame-throwers.


Who is Dianna Bonny? Hi, my name is Dianna Bonny. It’s my mission to candidly share my journey with you. For me, it’s all about the healing: to create a radiant healing energy for others who have befallen a similar fate. Together, we can forge beautiful lives of belonging and connection. Thanks for joining me today! I look forward to hearing from you.

  5 comments for “On Blaming Others: The Insidious Nature of Blame

  1. July 26, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Hi Dianna

    I love the fact that you are silent towards those who blame you. I think that people always want to attach a reason to a situation even when they can’t explain it which is why they can’t help but play the blame game. In truth, it’s not your fault and they know that too; it’s just that they don’t want to accept it.

    • Dianna Bonny
      July 27, 2014 at 5:51 pm

      Hi Ikechi: Thank you so much for your comment. I attended a talk at a Buddhist center today and the monk asked me to think about the situation with this question in mind: What is the best action you can take to transform this adverse condition into a meaningful experience? Silence has served me well but I like the idea of exploring it further with a new frame of mind. Really appreciate your insight and presence here. db

  2. Rich Williams
    February 19, 2015 at 6:34 am

    Very interesting article. The first thing that popped into my head was that those “blaming” you were stuck in one of the stages of some type of grief. As I continued to read you confirmed my suspicions. The monk is quite right, the past is in the past and can not be changed (by can be a source of learning). Be in the present and live for the future; look for the good and you will find it. Thanks for sharing.

    • Dianna Bonny
      February 19, 2015 at 9:18 am

      Hi Rich: Thank you so much for your insight. I really appreciate it. The past can be such a powerful teacher if we are willing to frame it that way and find the lessons. I’m always mining it for information and looking for the good as you suggest. It is incredible to know how much command we actually have over our experiences, isn’t it? Be well, Dianna

  3. Margaret
    March 21, 2017 at 7:16 pm

    Hi Dianna,
    I’m sorry for your loss. I know exactly about this blaming and it’s sad. When people you love and care for turn on you like it’s all your fault. They talk about you to others and slander your genuineness and sincerity to make themselves look good and you to look bad.
    People can be mean, if they would take the time to meditate and pray and find the Divine Light in themselves they would not be blaming . They need to go through their own transformation and seek love instead of hate and blame.
    I am experiencing this from my sisters family, she is terminal and dying .the family is in denial to some point and because I spoke to my sis heart to heart and told her it’s so difficult to see her suffer maybe she would consider palliative care to keep her comfortable .because it’s so hard to see anyone suffer and not live quality of life, they are blaming me for everything , talking badly about me . I am taking the chaplains advice and disengaging from the situation , I will set boundaries to visit my sister when her family is not around. I pray that the light of the divine finds its way to their spirit . There is no reason to blame . I have had my own journey, I lost my beautiful daughter suddenly on Christmas night in her sleep from a seizure.
    We all have our own journey we do what we can with which we can when we can. Others should not put their demands of what they think you should do for them. Thank you for sharing . May the light protect us . Let your light shine.

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