After a Suicide: My Unplanned Midlife Freefall

I am spellbound by pictures of rock climbers crawling their way up ninety-degree cliffs. The photos always make me think of video’s where the climber is falling, but suddenly the tethered rope halts them from plummeting to the ground. It’s a weird stream of consciousness thing, possibly triggered by my fear of rock climbing. I crawled my way out and looked down over the edge of Half Dome when I was a teenager. I never recovered.

rock climber

It is the moment when the rope reaches the end of the slack and stops the fall — that is what I was waiting for after the suicide: the sense of safety, the feeling that the fall was over, that the momentum had stopped. But, honestly, it never really came.

Instead, I feel as though I was left hanging from the rock and have been swinging myself from side to side, building momentum to get to one side or the other. Going up no longer makes sense: a drastic change was necessary.

I hated the feeling at first, of just hanging there, but now I have grown accustomed to it. Some days it feels like I might make it to solid ground, and others not so much.

For today, I just keep trying to build enough momentum to eventually land myself right where I need to be.

And, for the moment, I try to relish exactly where I am.

-db

Who is Dianna Bonny?

Hi, my name is Dianna Bonny. It’s my mission to candidly share my journey with you. For me, it’s all about the healing: to create a radiant healing energy for others who have befallen a similar fate. Together, we can forge beautiful lives of belonging and connection. Thanks for joining me today! I look forward to hearing from you.

 

Photo Credit: Falling Is Not Failure

  2 comments for “After a Suicide: My Unplanned Midlife Freefall

  1. March 26, 2013 at 1:44 am

    Hello! I really need healing in my life. One of the reasons I subscribed to your beautiful blog.
    I’m kinda like that-In a situation where I’m swinging side to side and I know I need some rebirth or anything to put me back in line.
    One thing that helps is knowing that all my life obstacles are just a mist and I’m not as small as I thought I was and my dreams are just as real as reality itself.

    Thanks for a good read!

    -Duggy

    • Dianna
      March 26, 2013 at 10:01 am

      Thanks for being here Duggy. Obstacles are often opportunities in disguise, at least that is my experience. I think we are all capable of so much more than we know – I hope you keep swinging yourself right into your magnificence 🙂 I appreciate your presence. db

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