Unearthing Hidden Trauma and Beginning to Heal

beach glass | Dianna Bonny Photography

Life exposes both her beauty and her cruel underbelly to us at the moment of birth, as we take our first breath in and the umbilical cord is severed. As we exchange the life giving connection to our mother for the life force of oxygen, the universe whispers to us that this is an invitation to embark on a journey, with the understanding that loss, and possibility, will be there every step of the way.

It is the first lesson in life’s continual cycle of exchanging one thing for another and a nudge to come out and explore the edges – because you can only stay curled up for so long.

It took me a long time to acknowledge this agreement. I wanted to crawl back into the safety of the womb and stay there. Perhaps it had to do with being adopted, an idea I somehow transmuted into something wildly different in my impressionable pint-size brain. I only just realized recently that I have been carrying this misconception around with me my entire life and it has colored my world with murky shadows of rejection and sweeping swaths of isolation.

I always thought I was A-OK with the notion of having been “given up so I could experience a better life.” It felt natural to me, the story I had carried with me since before I remember not knowing any different. But just the other week, something jarred that box of beliefs wide open and out fell the dirty secret that I really harbored in my heart: I had been abandoned in my perfect 3-month-old state.

It didn’t come out right away. The idea of abandonment had to be coaxed from its hiding place and given its due. It began as an unbearable anxiety in my stomach, an inability to breathe deeply and a restless mind. Suddenly I couldn’t write. My mind went blank until the deafening silence was replaced by tiny whispers that eventually became a god almighty roar.

Stunned, I spent a considerable amount of time curled up in that ball I had yearned to return to, albeit on the closet floor, not in the womb. And eventually came the reckoning: the messy showdown with what I had come to believe and what was really true.

A blessed breath of freedom was buried at the bottom of this moment.

As I held my ideas about abandonment up to the light, I began to see how much precious time I have spent pushing others away, abandoning them before they could do it to me. The way I have kept myself just outside of any kind of community, for fear I might be sent away with no reason, the way I believed I was when I was just a baby.

Throughout my life, I kept myself invisible to keep myself safe, and in keeping myself safe, I abandoned what I needed most: connection.

I realized this whilst curled up in a ball on the floor that day.

I am finally stepping into another way of being, understanding that life is not lived well by being invisible. I truly believe it is our capacity that the universe seeks to witness. How far can you go, she asks, expectantly. How much can you s-t-r-e-t-c-h before you break. And when you break (because you will) do you notice the space that has been created for you to get bigger, and can you fill that space with love and grow way beyond your previous self.

I think this is what the universe is hoping for. And she wants to hear about it. She wants your story out in the open where it can be touched and healed, for it is in the small but mighty details that we connect as humans – the universe knows this to be true. Telling your story is an act of courage, perhaps the bravest thing you will ever do. It is an exchange of your pain and loss for the possibility of another perspective, perhaps a truer one than you think you know.

I hope I can inspire you to start sharing your story and own what has happened to you in the most powerful way. Throw yourself into the violent thrashing waves of the healing process and trust that the universe will deliver you safely back to shore transformed. Your once razor sharp edges beautifully honed and touchable, softened and smoothed like a beautiful piece of beach glass.

Let’s do it together. I’ll go first.


Who is Dianna Bonny?

Hi, my name is Dianna Bonny. It’s my mission to candidly share my journey with you. For me, it’s all about the healing: to create a radiant healing energy for others who have befallen a similar fate. Together, we can forge beautiful lives of belonging and connection. Thanks for joining me today! I look forward to hearing from you.

  3 comments for “Unearthing Hidden Trauma and Beginning to Heal

  1. Brigette Brink
    September 18, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    Hi Dianna.
    I wanted you to know that I really enjoy reading your blog. You have opened my mind and heart to living more bravely and honestly. You have the gift of communication and putting words to life. Thank you for sharing your precious life.

    • Dianna Bonny
      September 18, 2013 at 8:04 pm

      Hi Brigette: Love having you here and am so honored that your are finding inspiration here. Many thanks for being on this journey with me. xo

  2. September 21, 2013 at 11:25 pm

    Dianna, I am so so glad that you have found so many valuable “tools” for embracing reality, triumphing over trauma, and remaining the loving and open person that you are and always were even tho at times in your life you could not be open and/or loving. ( know that “triumphing” is not a “word.” What are words, anyway?)

    Your writing IS inspirational. The honesty does it, not only the fact that you are a really gifted writer. You might consider compiling all your writing into an ebook and publishing it through Smashwords, an e publishing company that accepts all manuscripts, converts them to all e-reader formats, and distributes to conventional sellers as well as publishes online for sale through the website. I am working on a book, myself, which I shall initially publish through Smashwords.

    I cruise the web seeking people who have discovered the incredible power of tears for healing emotional pain. Because I never healed the pain of certain traumas I experienced growing up, I became homicidal at age 23 and fortunately ended up on the hospital. Six months after being homicidal I attempted suicide. I am now 69 and I have lead an exciting life working at an ordinary job, celebrating my ordinary friends, and discovering the joy of being openly emotional. I also discovered the exuberance that we can feel when we discharge our emotions thru laughter and tears, especially tears. When we can be emotional when alone and with others, when we don’t have to pretend at all when with family and friends, we give ourselves and others the gift of genuinely felt closeness and affection.

    Those of us who, because of trauma, have discovered that there is more to Reality than we thought, are lucky. I feel very grateful to still be alive, There is a tremendous spiritual dimension to Reality and Nature and all living forms which I never would have experienced had Reality not forced me to change or die. It’s evolution, humanity-style (not gangnan…is that the word…love that music and “dance”).

    Sorry I wrote so much. I care for a beloved friend who has Parkinson’s and dementia and because of this I have little time even tho I have nearly 24/7 help. But…if I ever manage to do some podcasts I’d like to interview people on the role of crying/tears in their lives. I love a website called “Buddhist Geeks” and it would be similar to their podcasts…interviews using Skype with people all over the word who want to share their awareness of the value of unashamed crying/laughing. You see, I would not survive helping my beloved friend if I did not discharge emotion at least once a week and also whenever I so desire. Also, I have had experiences during these periods of deep emotional discharge that astonish me, especially since many experiences occur primarily for people who have meditated for hundreds of hours. Solmething profound happens when we learn to allow emotion and the discharge of emotion without any inhibition whatsoever.

    I, too, love Pema Chodron. Not that I can spell her name, perhaps. And Lama Surya Das. And Soygal Rinpoche. And…The Dalai Lama. And Jesus, too. And Creation/Evolution/That Which I Will Never Fully Understand.

    Peace to you, and love,

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