I am not much of a get-my-photo-taken kind of gal. Being seen has been an uncomfortable space for me. I was the girl awkwardly hiding behind other kids in teen-age photos. I am the woman holding my hand up in front of my face when the camera comes out. I have thousands of photos of my kids, very few of me.

So, taking the picture for this blog was a huge step outside my comfort zone. I’m not entirely sure why I decided to do it, however I highly recommend it as an exercise in being witnessed by the person behind the camera and then beginning to see your self.

When I look at photos of myself from years ago, I see a fearful woman who didn’t believe she fit in. My eyes are a deep reservoir of longing. I didn’t know that then, the longing I felt, but I can see it now, how much I wanted to belong in the world around me.

The photos just after the suicide reveal an emptiness and sadness that is hard to capture in words. My face is gaunt and devoid of joy, my eyes lifeless and dull.

The cover photo of the blog was taken almost two years out and I can see a glimmer of hope in my eyes and a willingness to believe that things will get better. I think my eyes say, “Yes, I do believe I will survive.”

I went to a professional studio. Booking the appointment was a statement to myself that I would go through with the blog. They provided a make-up artist and I brought some outfits that she helped organize because fashion is not my forte.

The first few shots were difficult for me. It was strange to be the only one in the photograph and have two other sets of eyes eyeballing me. Michael, the photographer, was incredibly kind and encouraging though, so it became easier as the morning progressed. The worst shots were the ones where he had me do supermodel antics. It didn’t come naturally and showed up on film. The best shots, only a few, were the ones where I just relaxed and looked into the camera as though I were looking into the eyes of a dear friend.

The first time I opened the picture on my website, I gasped and clicked the close button. The image was overwhelming and it took me a few days to get comfortable with the idea of it being there.

Now, I see it as the beginning of the next phase of this journey. Instead of being horrified, I am reminded of how the woman who walked into the studio that morning underwent a slight metamorphosis and exited as someone different. I see a face that has been softened by loss, and eyes that have the ability to compassionately look straight into the eyes of another.

I see a human being who now understands that life can change in an instant.

Perhaps engaging with a camera doesn’t have to represent photographic evidence of everything I lack, rather it can serve as a milestone, a moment of time preserved and a reminder of all that I have survived. And, all I am becoming as a result of what I have survived.

What are your thoughts about being in front of the lens? Is it possible that it is an opportunity to see yourself in a new way?

Sending molecules of  love, truth and wisdom for your healing journey.

-db

Who is Dianna Bonny?

Hi, my name is Dianna Bonny. It’s my mission to candidly share my journey with you. For me, it’s all about the healing: to create a radiant healing energy for others who have befallen a similar fate. Together, we can forge beautiful lives of belonging and connection. Thanks for joining me today! I look forward to hearing from you.