The Transformative Power of Heartfelt, Active Listening

 

listening | Dianna Bonny Photography

When was the last time you felt truly heard? I mean attentively listened to in a way that allowed you to actually hear what you were saying and make sense of it on your own, a time when your words were spoken and witnessed, no need for solutions, just a willing ear openly receiving them.

I began to notice a lack of listening in the days and months after my husband died. At times it was barely noticeable, at others exceedingly obvious. I made people uncomfortable, I realized this, and they wanted to contain their discomfort by offering solutions and opinions as quickly as possible.

In other words, they didn’t listen.

All I wanted at the time was a kind ear: a way to let all that craziness that had taken up residence in my mind escape out into the wide open. Finding a receptive listener was a rare and precious moment.

When we listen with our whole being and simply receive the other person, there is an exchange of energy that allows the soul of the speaker to unfurl into the safe harbor of human connection. Tim Tosta calls this “Tranformative Listening” and speaks about it on his brilliant blog:

“To be attentive may appear passive, but it really isn’t. It is a type of engagement. It is an active stance. It requires making yourself available, free from judgments and beliefs. It requires empathy, which means you must overcome your self-centeredness, your personality, and your narrative. It demands that you exist, for the period of the listing engagement, for the benefit of the speaker.”

When my kids were little, our car rides to and from school were sacred time for me. On the way home, I allowed them to swear, which they loved, so they could express all their frustrations and emotions about the day. I would sit back and quietly listen to them rant and ramble about friends who annoyed them or teachers who embarrassed them. Every now and again, I would ask how something made them feel, but mostly I just sat back and listened. It never failed that the kids who got in the car at school were a kids transformed when they piled out of the car at home, almost as if energetically re-calibrated just by the act of being heard.

Listening conjures up powerful healing magic.

In the last year, I have been trying to make a practice of listening with my entire being, devoting myself to the person in front of me. I am discovering that listening in this way infuses an entirely different kind of energy into a conversation, a deep sense of presence. It is a simple gift that seems to anchor connection with the souls of those around me.

In that spirit, I found this poem, via Gail Larsen.

Listening

is a rare happening

among human beings.

You cannot listen to

the word another is speaking

if you are preoccupied with

your appearance or

with impressing the other

or if you are trying to decide

what you are going to say

when the other stops talking

or are debating about whether

what is being said is true

or relevant

or agreeable.

Such matters have their place

but only after listening to

the word as the word

is being uttered.

Listening is a primitive act of love in which

a person gives himself to

another’s word

making himself accessible

and vulnerable to that word.

–William Stringfellow

It is no small wonder that people quickly go crazy in solitary confinement. We earthly beings are meant to be seen, felt and heard.

The next time you are in a conversation, try listening to the other person with all of you. Don’t try to solve their problems — honor that they are fully capable of accomplishing this task. I would love to know what you discover.

-db

Who is Dianna Bonny?

Hi, my name is Dianna Bonny. It’s my mission to candidly share my journey with you. For me, it’s all about the healing: to create a radiant healing energy for others who have befallen a similar fate. Together, we can forge beautiful lives of belonging and connection. Thanks for joining me today! I look forward to hearing from you.

  7 comments for “The Transformative Power of Heartfelt, Active Listening

  1. July 26, 2013 at 7:58 am

    How true! Being truly present with someone truly honors and affirms them as a person. Thank you for sharing this.

  2. July 26, 2013 at 9:31 am

    “there is an exchange of energy that allows the soul of the speaker to unfurl into the safe harbor of human connection.”

    Loved that line. The safe keeping. And how sad it is when you have a listener and they pass on. Then you go back to how it was. Being unlistened to.

    • Dianna Bonny
      July 26, 2013 at 2:34 pm

      I wish good listeners weren’t so hard to find Anne. We are all so distracted these days. Keep searching though – so your soul has a safe place. I think it is what we all yearn for but we have to find each other.

  3. July 26, 2013 at 12:01 pm

    Dianna – so glad you expressed this. I’ve never understood why people get so uncomfortable when someone is facing a tragedy or hardship. The “let’s fix this or sweep it under the carpet” mentality is so sad – when all that’s needed is an ear to listen and a shoulder to rest your head. It’s not hard.

    Its the same in relationships. Jumping in to fix sends a message that you don’t care and that you think the person isn’t whole. We can all find the answers if we are giving the gift of a listener who allows us the space to get it “out into the wide open” as you said.

    Thank you for sharing this! (now I’m going to look and see if you wrote about your singing last Sunday!) 🙂

  4. July 29, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    Yeah, one time I was upset and my friends didn’t know how to listen to me. One kept asking me what I had done to solve the problem, another started telling me her own stories because she didn’t know what else to say.

    I define listening as the art and practice of putting someone else’s speaking, thinking, feeling needs ahead of our own. More people need to have this mindset and know how to actually do it.

    Dianna is right. People get uncomfortable, either because they don’t want to get bummed out, or they don’t know what to do.

    • Dianna Bonny
      July 29, 2013 at 8:25 pm

      I love your definition of listening Marc. Like many precious things in life, it is indeed a practice, one that requires stepping beyond our own discomfort. I don’t understand why this is so hard to do yet -I am still observing and learning. Thanks for the insight.

      • August 1, 2013 at 8:40 am

        Listening is a rich and dynamic interaction. I don’t think anyone can know everything about it. I don’t, and I even wrote a book on the subject!

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