There are days when I don’t want to get out of bed. The residue of the long, restless night seeps into the day and fills my cells with a resistance to facing what is before me. I long to feel normal again — although I’m not sure if there is such a thing anymore — and to know that my efforts to shepherd my children through these events, in this raw and honest way, will create a better future.
In the beginning, when our lives had been sliced open from top to bottom and the contents spilled out everywhere, I tried to gather up the various parts and push them back in place. I naively thought I could just return to the old way of being.
Then, one day, while walking on the beach, I realized that my life as I knew it, was over. Accepting that fact was the true beginning of the journey back to myself.
For a while, I also felt compelled to show people we were doing OK. It stemmed from the hopeful look in their eyes when they asked, “How are you doing?” And I did not want to disappoint them with the dark contents of my mind.
It took me a while to understand that “being ok” in the eyes of others was not relative. All that mattered was making sense of things in my own personal way.
I had to be brutally honest with myself because, while everyone else was going forward with the same life, I was not. To try and pretend otherwise amounted to lunacy.
Facing this fact allowed me to sink deep within and begin retrieving parts of my soul that I had long ignored. At times it left me in a tearful, crumpled heap on the floor. Healing is a fiery, messy business, but it has allowed me to realign with my own innate wisdom. That part of me that knows the direction of my true north.
My therapist tells me to welcome the dark moments because they are opportunities to heal. This is a challenge to grasp but I try to be in conversation with the pain my soul brings to the surface and honor the messages.
I’ve read that the soul always seeks to restore balance, otherwise we are forever lopsided, dragging the weight of our wounds with us through life. Perhaps this is why we continue to repeat our mistakes over and over: our higher self is seeking a better ending to the story. Until we realize that we have the choice to make this happen, we are locked in the cycle.
The more I acknowledge the inner chaos, the less disruptive the energetic surges seem to be. The more I surrender to this new reality, the more space I have in my being to look out into the future with hope.
Do you have those dark moments when it feels like your being may come unglued? How do you take care of yourself?
I believe you will get through your dark night and that beauty awaits you on the other side.
Sending love to to you and your healing soul.
Who is Dianna Bonny?
Hi, my name is Dianna Bonny. It’s my mission to candidly share my journey with you. For me, it’s all about the healing: to create a radiant healing energy for others who have befallen a similar fate. Together, we can forge beautiful lives of belonging and connection. Thanks for joining me today! I look forward to hearing from you.