Have you ever been blamed for something you didn’t do, and no amount of talking changed the other person’s mind or made a speck of difference? I experienced this as a child, which perhaps laid down the tracks for my extreme sensitivity to it in adult life. Being blamed for something I didn’t do would send me into a kind of irrational emotional orbit.

After my husband’s suicide, when a few family members pointed the blame cannon my way, I was devastated. I took it personally. I wrote about it. I tried to be kind and reason with them, but that is not what a blaming individual seeks. The territory of blame is about as irrational as it gets.

Blame is an interesting social phenomenon. On one hand it alleviates the blamer of pain and accountability (in their mind), but on the more sinister side, it is a method of isolation and we humans are not wired for being ostracized. In fact, we will go to extreme measures to stay within the pack for survival, including living in unhealthy environments and engaging in unfortunate behaviors.

We are social creatures, so blame, which amounts to rejection, cuts deep. In an article on the Huffington Post, Guy Winch, PhD explains:

“The human experience of rejection goes back to our ancient roots,” says Winch, who is the author of Emotional First Aid: Practical Strategies For Treating Failure, Rejection, Guilt, and Other Everyday Psychological Injures (Hudson Street Press, 2013). He has a chapter in his book dedicated specifically to rejection.

“When we were hunter-gatherers and living in tribes, the price of ostracism was pretty much death,” Winch tells HuffPost. “You wouldn’t survive without your tribe; you wouldn’t have the warmth of hearth, the protection of fire.” Therefore, he explains, we developed an early warning system — the feeling of rejection — to alert us when we might be at risk for ostracism. The more painful the experience of rejection, the more likely humans were to change their behavior to avoid ostracism, and be able to survive and pass on their genes.

I’ve met many folks who have suffered deeply as a result of unwarranted blame, so I wanted to share some thoughts in case you find yourself on the receiving end.

First, consider the source.

It is a simple fact: we humans are not very well equipped to handle our emotions or suffering. Despite great strides in technology and medicine, we lack emotional mastery and will go to great lengths to avoid our pain. If a person is wrongly blaming you for something and cannot accept the facts before them, do not make it your job to educate them. Remember the wise words of Don Miguel Ruiz: Don’t Take Anything Personally.

Second, disengage.

There is no greater power in your healing repertoire than to unplug from any source that is causing you distress. I wish I had learned this early on, but it took me a long time to realize I could focus my awareness anywhere I chose. I stumbled and fell down the path of trying to convince people of what I knew to be true and wasted precious energy. Unplug and conserve your resources.

Third, prioritize your own mental well-being.

Grant yourself permission to heal and make a personal declaration that you are in the healing process. Then, be true to that promise and take any measures necessary to ensure that end. By standing up for yourself and your own well-being over and over, you create an anchored presence in the world that will allow you to stand solidly in the current of blame without being swept away by it. Align your emotional body with your own best interest and you become powerful beyond measure.

Have you been blamed for something outrageous? How did you handle the pain?

Sending healing super powers your way.

-db

Who is Dianna Bonny?

Hi, my name is Dianna Bonny. It’s my mission to candidly share my journey with you. For me, it’s all about the healing: to create a radiant healing energy for others who have befallen a similar fate. Together, we can forge beautiful lives of belonging and connection. Thanks for joining me today! I look forward to hearing from you.